This past weekend, my body took a toll on me. As in I woke up with a stiff neck and muscle spasms, but to the extent that I couldn’t even carry my children because I strained my muscles. Every movement, the shooting pain from your chest to your shoulder all the way to the back your neck. Can you imagine that?
I’ve had my moments, but when I’m in utter pain, I cry inside and can feel the stress build inside my body. I try to stay healthy on the inside, but deep inside I feel so defeated. Defeated to the extent that I let this happen to myself. During these days, I just want to hide from the world, scream, and cry my heart out. I think about my boys because I couldn’t even take care of them for a few days. My mother and husband can only do so much for me, but I know it has to come from me.
These moments I cry inside, I cry out to God and ask him for strength! To lift this excruciating pain from my body and to just heal me. From the moment, Ro was born, I learned to rely on God, the only one who will be there for me when I am in a jam or just feeling lonely. He is the only one who truly understands what is in my heart. I tell myself, it is okay to cry because this is my calling and raise my family as God being the center of our lives.
So I went to see the doctor, and they did an EKG on me to make sure I didn’t have like a heart attack or stroke. Thank God the results were average. Just a few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and I didn’t see that coming. My psoriasis has gotten to the point where I am just ashamed of my skin and dread the summer time or formal occasions. The doctor said I need to do physical therapy because I was having muscle spasms and it would help ease the pain by relaxing it. She said that I have to see a rheumatoid doctor because everything I’m feeling ties with my autoimmune disease.
I feel like my body is slowly deteriorating whenever I come down with something. I just have to remind myself; it’s okay to feel this way and lift everything up in prayer! Pray that this pain will heal and that I can take care of my boys again. I’ve always been a Don Moen fan and forgot how his music touched my heart whenever I’m in the dumps. I have to start listening to worship songs again to lift my spirits up.